The Lives I've Ruined

by My Missing Half

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03:24
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05:51
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04:47
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04:23
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credits

released May 3, 2014

Produced by Jason Mass and Daniel Florez
Recorded at Getaway Recording
All music and lyrics written by My Missing Half

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My Missing Half Boston, Massachusetts

."MY MISSING HALF 'The Cell I Call Home' Is Melo-Death Perfection!"
-Metal Injection

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Track Name: Skin Grafts
Skin grafts can't cover up
Each one of our regrets.
Sometimes pain can't be shrouded by flesh.


I can't deny the urge.
It itches through my bones
And this spine of glass won't support dying hope.

So tell me why I should even try
To sleeve unhealable inflictions.
There is no point to pretend that they
Can't sense the emptiness.

Chorus:
Look at what fright has done to my life.
I've become such a grotesque figure..
Theres nothing that I can do to resist.
I need to let the anxiety linger.

The sickness has to spill
By words of catharsis
For self loathing begun to surface.

Now i intoxicate
To make sure I feel worse
In this cycle always leading to remorse.

Every day I say will be the last
But then of course it happens again.
I keep finding ways to justify
Sins I said were over.

Chorus


Indulging
In sorrow.
A process
That never ends.

Chorus
Track Name: White-Knuckled
Each time I kill the nameless
My rest is bittersweet
For for one year to the cursed day
The screams will echo.

Paranoia blends with truth.
Eyes twist over shoulders.
I wish I could accept death
So this would end.


So Pedantic
To find my hunter first.
The nausea multiplies.
With each lethargic second.


Dark outlines crawl
Through my peripherals
But they are never there
when I turn towards them

Chorus:
For how much longer will it be possible to breathe
With the white-knuckled grip that's slowly choking me?
I contemplate unmasking the walking hell to see
What time has done the face of my worst worries.



The worst part is waiting for
An inevitable fight
With the only enemy
That I don't deserve.

A diabolical twin
Born of neglect and hate.
I know that I'm its prey but
Why'd it choose me?





Can't fall asleep
Or I won't wake again.
Adrenaline will not
Keep me alive forever.

Heavy eyelids
Forging my suicide.
Sleep deprivation has
Become too painful

Chorus


That god awful voice
Dream catchers won't keep it away.
It's reminding me
That I'm worthless.

A breath down my neck.
Shivers cracks into vertebrae.
Just end my life now.
I'm tired of running.

Chorus
Track Name: Empty Dreams
Lyrics:
Nothing to show for
Despite each sacrifice.
It seems that my hatred hinders not just myself.

A life's work defaced
Along with my friendships.
Through ritual show me everything I've done wrong.

Hypnotized to the depths
Of unconsciousness
My heart raced as I
Re-lived the fright

Spawning from a choice
That I'll always regret.
I only wanted
To have meaning.

How foolish of me to chase
After the impossible
Having seen others die trying.

Ignored each of your warnings
Laughed and spat in your face
When you were trying to help me.

Chorus:
Give all of these empty dreams to someone who has use for them
Tell them I had no chance to amount to anything.
So don't feel any guilt.

A worried voice tries
To wake me from the trance.
Instead I followed shrieks into the darkness.

With each step closer
More apprehensions bloomed
The once helpless cries
Turned malignant.

There stood a wretched
Impostor of myself
Reflecting back truths
I had blocked out.

I'll always remember how
The phantom silhouette
Perfectly showed my worthlessness.

The person I've hidden from
Therapists and myself
Can not be denied anymore

Chorus:
Give all of these empty dreams to
Someone who has use for them
Tell them I had no chance to amount to anything.

Give all of my promises to everyone who's still waiting
It's become obvious
That I'll never be able to
You all deserved better.


My desires, they make me feel so fucking filthy.
How could I betray all of you with no hesitation?

I hate how much I want it.
I try to turn away
But I'm far too pathetic and weak to regain control.

Remorse clings to my skin
Deforming me
Into the disgraceful man
I really am.

Remorse clings to my skin
Deforming me
So others know not to trust
Me ever again.

I'm so sorry for each of my lies,
And taking anger out on you.
I'm going to stay here in the blackness
Just please don't miss me.

Leave me here to die.

Chorus
Track Name: The Lives I've Ruined
I despise,
Myself for these actions,
But taunts from Legion,
Were too much to bear.

For three nights I paced,
And lied to myself.
I said everything,
Would soon be ok.

I want my life back,
But I'm dead inside,
Heart's beating atrophied blood.

Trembling in terror,
Holding in tears,
Can't let them see how weak I really am.

My world's been torn apart,
By old horrors,
Rising from slumber.

Watch my limbs contort,
Each time I recall,
The lives I've ruined.

Please scalpel,
The knots tied in my thoughts.
They've altered my sight.
I can't tell what's real.

Tracing my steps,
Towards the first abduction.
If only I'd known,
The reaper was near.

No one can save me,
I've gone too far,
The path home is encased in shade.

I know it's near me,
Hiding somewhere,
Waiting until I let my guard down.

My world's been torn apart,
By old horrors,
Rising from slumber.

Watch my limbs contort,
Each time I recall,
The lives I've ruined

Screaming for help,
But none can understand,
Pleas concealed in tongues.

Blasphemic rage,
Will never be restrained,
For they are many.

My world's been torn apart,
By old horrors,
Rising from slumber.

Watch my limbs contort,
Each time I recall,
The lives I've ruined

The sins that I've cast,
Imbue me again.
Track Name: Amityville
No one believes
A prophecy so cryptic
Even though each prediction has come true.

I wish they'd see.
The ones who walk beneath
only emerging when I'm "alone".

I swear this house is is alive.
I feel it's stare watching me sleep.
Unearthly chills consume me
blurring my sight into madness.

Chorus:
Fear itself is swarming
And its wishing death upon me.
Each attempt to disengage these irrational concerns has failed.

I awaken
In a hospital bed
Piecing together a harrowing tale.

The doctors blame
this all on lunacy
but I know that I didn't chisel these scars.

They condemn me to needles
To drown out the omens I've earned.

The remedies paralyze me
But I still hear dead steps creaking.

Chorus


I would do anything to prove
that there's something here.
For the lone reason of knowing if I've actually gone insane.

It's getting worse


A new photograph unveils
The truth in the shadows.
It shows the family.
Who died in this room.

They're lynched and swaying above me
Drenching me in their wrath.
The fright turns my screams into whispers.


Surroundings become undimensional
As the walls warp and wrench into a maze.

With my strength gone they dig
Their nails into my flesh
And pull with them into a decrepit portrait.

Chorus

The constant images
Appalling and disabling
They've surfaced from the graves of recollections so gruesome.
Track Name: Let Me Forget
What have I done?

12 martyrs
Dried, skinned, and propped up
Each refusing to speak.

Answer me.
Can't you see how grief
has drained the color from my flesh?


I swear i am no longer the heartless traitor
Who had poisoned you all.


My vile acts were necessities to preserve
My offerings.


Chorus:
Why can't I forget
Their screams?
Creeping
Reaping
Forevermore.

Each victim
Must be kept hidden
From the vermin outside.

I hear them
Gnawing their way in
Craving my rotting friends.



Out of any possible outlet for my rage
Why did i have to kill
The ones who were always standing right by my side
Without condition?

Chorus:
Why can't I forget
their screams?
Creeping
Reaping
Forever they ring.

Lethal habits
Return
Breaking
Aching
Destroying me

Bleed
For the diety

Burn
These thoughts out of me



This ritual is the
Only way i can be saved

From the entrapment entrapment
between neurosis and disgrace.

I've murdered without any cause
And i know that it's all my fault
I'm not asking to be forgiven.
Just let me forget.


Instructions from scripture nearly complete.
Death, give me your hand.
The planets have aligned
Now I become your 13th sacrifice.

Chorus:
Track Name: Naturum De Montum
My entire life's
Terrors and secrets
Sealed into a tortured book
I'll never open.

A bitten lip bled ink
Of such pure anguish
That it could make earsplitting words
Come to life.

Pandora's calling
From pages sewn shut
In effort to hold
The conjurings.

Clairvoyant warnings,
Say to stay away.
But it's too tempting to peer inside.


Chorus:
My thoughts are a threat to all of you
Crack this skull open
See for yourself.
Lock me away below heavy earth
Before I hurt someone else.

The tell tale text wants to
Lure in a host.
I keep on finding myself
Sleepwalking towards it.

Pretending I'm sane
Swear I won't give in
But It's been so long since I've held
My creatures.

I can't stop shaking.
Have to move near it
Even though I know
How wrong this is.

Sadistic comfort
Lashing out inside
I hate you. fuck you. You'll damn us all.

Chorus

The vile archives
They want their destruction unleashed.

My tragedies
None of them remembered
I have to know
What I have I created.


Stand in awe with me
Of a world infested
With the nightmares
That I have neglected.

The countless faces,
each displaying dismay
As they're all eaten,
While they foolishly pray.

Chorus

I'm so sorry.
Track Name: Petrified
And the sentence was set
To embalm me while I still breathe.
An ill-intentioned injection
To keep me in place.

Veins stung as they tightened
Bringing nausea and violent screams.
Slowly I calcified in these
Bleak burial grounds.

Now all that I own
Is time and grief.
Vines gather and cocoon
My undying limbs.

As biotic needs subside
I'm forced to sit and stare
At the familiar
Names on the tombstones.

Was my only purpose
To thrive off treachery
And betray all those who have faith in me?

I dragged cadavers
From graves to frontline.
If only I'd known I had ended their lives.

Centuries spent sulking.
Rewalking paths I've imagined
When a new glimpse of hope is born
Bringing my arms life.

No longer can I stay
A still specimen to regret.
With a rudely fashioned scalpel
Madness takes control.

Self-dissecting through
Cobwebbed marrow.
I'd rather writhe in pain
Than rest anymore.

Even if this will
Only bring misery
It's still worth the risk
To feel human again.

Was my only purpose
To thrive off treachery
And betray all those who have faith in me?

I dragged cadavers
From graves to frontline.
If only I'd known I had ended their lives.

I must deserve this promethia
If even hell has denied me.

Everyone I care about has been dead for many years.
Even if I find a way out, I will still die alone.

Was my only purpose
To thrive off treachery
And betray all those who have faith in me?

I dragged cadavers
From graves to frontline.
If only I'd known I had ended their lives.

If only I'd known.
Track Name: Never Coming Home
Knives dragged through
My gums to silence me.
They did what they had to
I would have done the same.

If we're found
We'll all be skinned alive.
As the last survivors.
We'll be tortured the worst.

What's happened to our world?
Such wretched life has spread.
Born from the apathy
That we have build inside.

The initial panic
Tore friends and family
By severing their hands
So they couldn't hold on.

Stranded
Strangers now depend on
Each other to pretend
That tour lives are not over and we'll move on.

Terror
Has claimed my sanity
Making me a threat to
Our already small chances of survival.

Chorus:
I watched loved ones die
Yet I am still waiting for them
Even though I know
That they are never coming home.

With rations depleting
Many volunteer to
Search for their suicide
But still die with honor.

The others look at me.
They want me to be next.
Either by my own choice
Or by my banishment.

Each night
Im shaken out of sleep
By my own screams and the
Beatings used to deaden them without delay.

I hear
Them whispering about me.
They're going to kill me
Unless I pack all my things and leave right now.

Chorus


Treading up to my neck
Through what's left of our planet.
Is there anyone out here?
il never make it on my own.

My plea answered
But not as I wished
If only I had been killed in the shelter

I face the one
Who exed out the lives
Of my bloodline.
And now I am next.

Chorus